For 40+ years, I’ve been forced to climb a mountain by the taskmasters at CBS. And not just climb — I’m expected to topple over the edge and crash some 100 feet (well, it’s 100 feet to me anyways) to a death that I pray will quickly come and yet never does. I’d sooner perform one of those mundane nothing jobs you losers constantly complain about. Oh, you operate a cash register and sometimes ring up multiple items? How I weep. When’s the last time you ended up in fucking traction because your co-worker didn’t know the price of milk?
So I finally organized me a real website, and even bought a real URL (my own name, because I’m a fucking egomaniac.) Whenever I’m able to, I’ll try to post some site-exclusive content in addition to the HIRE ME message that it is the main point of this project.
Today, I present Article the First, a sad tale of how awful an existence the yodeling dude from the Price is Right leads, falling to his doom day in and day out and going home alone to an empty apartment every time.
This was originally written for The Geekout last march, and they even paid me for it, but they done vanished into thin air before posting it. So, their loss is my site’s gain. Not to mention my wallet’s.
Every role should be played by somebody that Outraged Nerd Inc. will immediately proclaim doesn’t “fit the part,” but who could theoretically turn in an awesome performance and prove ONI wrong yet again.
I wrote a new thing for Topless Robot, where I cast the Batman/Superman movie in the most rage-baity manner possible, like having the squeaky-voiced girl from Big Bang Theory portray Harley Quinn. Hell, why not? Intentionally trolling easily-angered nerds who think they know everything is apparently where this movie is headed anyhow. Might as well take it to its logical limit.
READ ARTICLE HERE
I all but abandoned the gaming world for years on end. I’ve started playing again, though, and it’s like stepping into an alien planet.
I used to play video games hardcore. Then work and fatherhood took over. Lately though, I’ve been playing more and more, even though the new gaming world is scary and different. So I wrote up a column for Cracked detailing just how different. I was eating Werther’s Originals and listening to Pat Boone the entire time.
READ SOMETHIN’ WILL YA?
Well shoot, I wrote this article at the end of 2013, but it wasn’t posted till the 6th of this month. I didn’t see it till the 10th of this month. And I’m just now hawking it on Tumblr, on the 13th of this month. Just in time for everybody to break their own New Year’s Resolutions, actually. I’m timelier than I thought.
Anyhows, here it is, written for CBS National. Ten sports stars and their New Years Resolutions, as told to me by them. Because what multimillionaire athlete WOULDN’T want some nobody Internet clown to record them saying humiliating shit that would get them in so much lock room trouble? None, that’s how many.
With nobody telling the musicians that they should probably stick to musicianing, we ended up with adventures in idiocy such as these.
New Cracked column today! Occasionally, hair metal people tried to tell actual stories in their music videos, instead of simply thrusting their genitals at any groupie that gyrated their way. They should’ve stuck with genital-thrusting.
Today’s sports, with their sterile coherency and yawn-inducing devotion to player safety, need an upgrade. And what better way to do so than steal from the past? Pro sports used to have some incredibly entertaining rules that, if we brought them back, would guarantee everybody involved untold billions. Like the basketball cage up above. Why should the UFC have all the bloody fun?
I advocate this and many other irresponsible ideas in today’s Cracked Column. Any league commissioners reading this, take notes.
Recently, I attended the victory parade for the Red Sox. Even though Boston wins at least six championships a year, I had never been able to attend a parade because retail. But I made it this year, and even wrote an article for Tailgate Fan about what I learned! So the next time your city wins a title (obviously, I’m excluding Cleveland here,) do everything I recommend and you’ll have fun. Don’t, and you’ll probably die horribly or something. I don’t know, I never checked into that.
READ ARTICLE HERE
My Fantasy Football Diary rages on, while my fantasy football record limps on. I already suck, and now I’ve lost Aaron Rodgers for at least three weeks. Oh well, at least it should provide fresh material for the next couple installments.
So WGN Morning News in Chicago just interviewed me via Skype about the horrors of the Convenience Store business. It went very well, so for any future TV appearances, I may need to up my fee from “nothing” to “something.”
CRACKED COLUMN HERE