April 2013
5 posts
6 tags
5 Ways To Make Tailgating Work For Baseball -... →
“Let’s face it; baseball isn’t the first sport you think of when planning your next tailgating adventure. How can anyone get worked up over a 162-game season for which everybody’s so damn laid back? A bunch of guys standing on a freshly mowed lawn, successfully hitting a ball with a stick 30% of the time if they’re good at it, does not exactly inspire one to fire up the grill and excitedly...
6 Hilariously Bad Attempts To Mix Pro Wrestling... →
This giant chunk of muscle was what the World Wrestling Federation deemed to be a “bodybuilder.” They had a whole group of ‘em, and dubbed them the World Bodybuilding Federation. Dressing up meatheads in bad Halloween costumes was such a rousing success, that the whole thing was cancelled within a year. Guess the Phantom Of The Opera bodybuilder wasn’t phantom-y enough to...
March 2013
8 posts
May I Fake Your Order? The Homemade Fast Food... →
This is a drumstick covered in 11 herbs and spices; my attempt at improvising KFC’s secret recipe. It went about as well as you might imagine. I also attempted to make a Shamrock Shake, and a Doritos Locos Taco, all from scratch, and totally off the top of my head.
Sadly, this is my final article for Zug, as the website is shutting down at the end of the week. So, anyone who wants to see...
Megatron v Megatron →
Life’s full of tough questions: how much should governments intervene in private life? Should gay people be allowed to marry each other? Should Creationism be taught in schools? Are evil robots better at fighting to the death than superstar NFL wide receivers?
Guess which issue I’m here to talk about. Yep, Megatron battles Megatron in my latest piece, because I am an important member of society...
Appetite Suppressor: The Health Food Made... →
That club-looking thing is actually food, a horseradish root to be exact. it’s stupidly hot and tastes like crap. So maybe some ice cream on top will help? Either that or it’ll make me hate ice cream forever.
In addition to that bit of goofiness, I took many more super-vegetables, and attempted to make them tastier by adding junk food. The results were mixed. Sometimes I grimaced,...
Defending The Dumb: Dennis Rodman In North Korea →
In Part 2 of my ongoing Defending The Dumb series, I stick up for poor, misunderstood Dennis Rodman. All he wanted to do was save the world and make a friend, and everyone’s calling him a moron, an attention whore, and an apologist for genocide. Some people are just plain rude, right Dennis?
ARTICLE, VIA URBAN TITAN
4 Fictional Robots You Could Take In A Fight →
So the big bosses at Urban Titan have this poster for sale, featuring all your favorite fictional robots hanging at a beach party. They asked me to write something about robots as a tie-in. What do I do? I start theorizing about the best way to beat some of these hunks of metal in a bare-knuckle brawl. Because that’s an important skill to have, in case you ever come across a real life...
5 Horrible Sports Records (From The Year 2000 On) →
This poor schlub is a professional bowler, and managed to finish a game with 100 stinking points. ONE-HUNDRED. Drunken lunatics with half their fingers missing could pull of a 100.
This guy proves that pitifully bad sports outings aren’t just limited to old-timey games like that 222-0 drubbing from 1920-something that football fans love to harp about. No, we’re still pretty adept at...
February 2013
10 posts
4 Sports Movie Underdogs (Who Artificially... →
By the time Karate Kid 3 rolled around, Daniel-san was one of the greatest karate experts around. So what’s this? Well, the writers needed to build intrigue, so they wrote in a couple awkward scenes where he manages to forget everything he was ever taught, and become karate krap once again. Thus, we get to root for the underdog again, hooray!
This happens more than you might think, as I...
Are You Not Edutained?! The Kiddie Games Marathon →
A lot of those silly Flash games that pervade the Internet are designed to teach something to children. That something is usually damn-near-nothing, by the way. As a parent/professional sufferer, I felt compelled to sit down for a day and play through a bunch of these games, to see if they could teach me anything beyond “You’re a moron.” Turns out, not really. In fact,...
4 Hopelessly Outdated Technologies People Still... →
Remember this? Back in the Dark Ages, you couldn’t use your phone and be online at the same time, because times were tough and we LIKED IT. Well, tons of people still live in those Dark Ages, using dial-up along with several other old-timey pieces of technology that you thought had been outlawed by the government at least ten years ago. Remember ten years ago? Ah, those were the days.
...
Defending The Dumb: No More Olympic Wrestling →
Even though satire on the Internet tends to go nowhere (too much thinking and not enough cats is the usual feedback,) I do it anyway. This is me “defending” the Olympic’s decision to remove wrestling from the 2020 lineup, cuz someone needs to stand up for the poor, misunderstood underdogs that make up the International Olympic Committee.
ARTICLE
9 Gag-A-Day Comic Strips That Got Weird Once... →
Remember newspapers? They still exist, and so do the funnies inside. Not that they’re “funny” or anything, but they certainly do exist. And a few of them are taking chances, not by experimenting with new humor or radical approaches to art. No, they’re choosing to just gross us out with jokes about scat, incest, and bestiality.
Soon, they all will be naked. Every single...
4 Unsexy Pieces Of Lingerie That You Can Actually... →
Most unsexy and creepy-looking lingerie is reserved for the catwalk, because models need to silently regret every decision they’ve ever made in their own special way.
But sometimes, companies get cute and release some truly eyeball-rolling bedroom wear. They then expect you to pay for them. Such as above! Because nothing screams sexy like having every last body part obscured so you look...
4 Tourist Traps That Are Desperate For More... →
If only this were a real kick; then maybe we wouldn’t have to put up with hordes of morons doing that so-tired-its-comatose Hold Up The Tower gag on their Italian excursion. In lieu of such destruction, I wrote up a piece for Urban Titan taking unoriginal tourists to task, highlighting alternatives, and suggesting a few of my own. If you take any of my suggestions, remember to credit me by...
10 Pet Accessories That Will Make Your Pet... →
This isn’t performance art; this is actually what way too many pet owners find adorable. Meanwhile, these poor pooches just wish they were bigger and more capable of tearing a human limb from limb. So do I, actually.
There are a bunch of other ways pet owners humiliate their pet to the brink of despair. And I wrote about ‘em, in my debut for Listverse. Read it, study it, never buy...
January 2013
14 posts
Five People You Don’t Want At Your Super Bowl... →
So I have made my grand debut at yet another new site: only 234,912,463,409,146 to go before I’m literally everywhere on the Internet!
This time, it’s Tailgate Fan, all about sports and the Gating Of The Tails. Consider it a cautionary tale, as your Super Bowl get-together is nigh. Make sure you invite the right people, and not the yo-yo’s I’m writing about.
ARTICLE
I now have 400 followers
That’s probably more than, like, everyone else, right? Pretty sure I’m leaving everyone else in the dust.
7 Awesome Videogame Plot Twists That Were Never... →
Lara Croft gained the ability to wield the legendary Excalibur and, after that, the Hammer Of Thor. So what ever became of Royal Goddess Lara? Absolutely nothing, because who would possibly be interested in THAT kinda development?
Videogames are good at that, teasing you with an awesome plot twist and then pretending it never happened. So much so that I wrote a whole article about it. And...
The 6 Least Hip Internet References in Song Lyric... →
Today’s shameless self-plug: Cracked! Here’s my newest piece for them, all about pop’s most awkward attempts to sing about fancy-schmancy Interwebby technology, despite knowing little more about it than how to send their assistant out to buy it for them.
ARTICLE
The Super Bowl Of Soup: Eating 26 Soups At The... →
You’re looking at 26 different varieties of soup. Now imagine them all mixed together in one giganto Ultimate Super Bowl Of Soup concoction. Now read my Zug article about eating said concoction and find out if I’m truly as stupid as you imagine me to be.
ARTICLE PART 1
ARTICLE PART 2
ARTICLE PART 3
5 Awful Tie-In Videogames (And How To Make Them... →
A Playboy video game? AWESO…they’re all in bikinis. Well, that was useless.
In my latest Man Cave Daily Article, I explore this and four other shitty video game licenses. But along with the snark is friendly, helpful advice, as I reboot the concepts and show paid professionals in the video game industry how to REALLY take advantage of a license.
Note: I don’t suggest making...
Punish The Stomach: The... →
My entire family got together for a delicious lasagna dinner. I had this crap instead. Why? Work, that’s why. I ate nothing but kiddie food for an entire week, and then wrote about my pain and suffering for Zug. Because you all enjoy when other people suffer. Damn sadists.
ARTICLE PART I
ARTICLE PART II
ARTICLE PART III
A Complete Idiot’s First Eating Challenge →
See that thing? I ate it. Well, most of it anyway. This was a two-pound burger challenge that I took up for lack of anything better to do. And then, because I needed to recoup the costs of such a gigantic meal, I wrote about my experiences for Man Cave Daily. How close did I come? What did I learn? Am I truly as moronic as you think? Only way to find out is to read the article.
ARTICLE
Top 10 Sad Excuses For Drinking Games (They Expect... →
Witness Battleshots, a dumbass drinking game parody invented by every college kid who ever existed, but only shamelessly marketed for money by one company. If you pay money for something you can make with a pizza box, you didn’t deserve that money anyway.
This game is picked apart, along with nine other pointless drinking games that want your money, in my newest article via TopTenz. Check...
Top 10 Worst Attempts At Badass Corporate Mascots →
What’s worse than regular people pretending to be hardass and cool? How about when bland corporations do the same thing, such as above? My latest for TopTenz picks apart those sad attempts by companies to be badass and in-your-face.
Article
4 Awful Celebrity Kids’ Albums (Plus Two Great... →
For whatever reason, famous people think the can do anything. This includes singing children’s songs. As it turns out, very few celebrity kid’s albums are worth your while. Luckily, me writing about said albums is totally worth your while!
So let’s kick of 2013 with my latest from Man Cave Daily, featuring a video of me failing to talk correctly. People acting stupid is always...
December 2012
6 posts
Apocalypse…How? The Goofiest Ways the World Ends →
In two days, the world will either explode, get crushed by an asteroid, or be devoured by giant mutant worms. Please let it be the latter; that way, my newest article will make me look like a soothsayer. Sadly, a dead soothsayer. Because I would be eaten by a worm. But it’d be so worth it to be right.
All these people squawking about 12.12.12 being the last sequential day ever just aren’t aiming high enough. I totally plan on seeing 01.01.01! Course, I’ll be 119 and swimming in a pile of my own drool by then, but at least I can say I saw another sequential day. Provided I’m able to wheeze the words out by that point.
Bad Dog: The Air Buddies Movie Marathon →
See that? Multiply it by five and you’ve got what I just tortured myself with, all for the sake of comedy. For my latest Zug piece, I sat through Air Buddies, Snow Buddies, Space Buddies, Spooky Buddies, and Santa Paws, and am now prepared to petition Obama so he makes any future Puppy Speech Technology 100000% illegal. Trust me; it’s in humanity’s best interests.
Bill & Ted Must Change History to Save Future... →
Just in time for the random-ass re-release of the first film on Blu-Ray, I bring you my newest Man Cave Daily disasterpiece. Why can’t these two numbnuts in a phone booth make for a good video game? Well, as it turns out, their developers were dumber than they could ever hope to be. I take them to task and suggest something better, because I have a long career in game development and...
November 2012
8 posts
Six Ancient Gods You Could Take In A Fight →
This drunken lush was an ancient Greek God. You stand a real good chance of beating him up, which is probably one reason nobody worships him anymore. This, and five other sorry excuses for all-powerful deities, are properly mocked in my debut for 604Republic’s TheGeekout page. I wasn’t kidding when I said I’m taking over the Internet.
Parental Advisory: The Never-Ending Kidz Bop... →
My Zug debut is now up and ready for your amusement. I suffered through hours of this:
Yes, dozens upon dozens of Kidz Bop songs went through my poor little ears, and I documented all I observed. Why? Well, they learned I have a kid, and suggested I focus on enduring/reviewing horrible children’s entertainment. It pays well, which is good. I’ll need to afford therapy somehow.
Oh,...
Top 10 Clever Jokes And Observations (That... →
See this guy? He sucks. And we know this because at least 284759283058204829 people have told us that he sucks. We get it; find something else to riff on. This guy, plus nine other examples of cliche overload, get torn to shreds in my latest TopTenz article. Every late-night talk show writer needs to read this article five times a day, justso they remember exactly why they should cut that...
I am on all websites now
…more or less. But as of today, I’m officially a part of two new sites, in addition to my other stomping grounds. I sold my first article to The Geekout, a startup dork-culture humor site, and got paid thousands, just THOUSANDS, of pennies for my efforts.
In addition, I signed paperwork to join Zug today, specializing in what I call “Parental Advisory.” Basically, they...
Tumblr does all the work for me. That's so sweet.
Well hey, I log onto Tumblr to whore out my two (yes, TWO) new articles that Man Cave Daily just published, only to find that the new Wordpress feature automatically puts them there. And then I see it did the same thing on Facebook. Noice; now go click, read, and share with the masses. Jokes about goofy Presidential wannabes, and then jokes about goofy frat-boy movies. Sounds like a good way to...
