Today’s moral, Via TheSmokingJacket: if you can’t write, don’t re-write. Just sit there and be pretty. If you’re like the guy in the picture though, you can’t even do that, so go fry some fries or whatever else needs to be fried.
In case you needed any more evidence that we, as a nation, have no attention span whatsoever, a band of thieves in Pennsylvania have successfully made off with an entire goddamn bridge. Over the course of one week, they dismantled an entire metal bridge using only a blowtorch. All without being seen by anybody. This was in Pittsburgh, by the way, so they can’t even make the excuse of being distracted by the Phillies playoff run. They have the Pirates, who haven’t done anything in decades and are one or two more losing seasons away from being demoted to Little League status.
Meh, another hundred losses. Might as well go bridge-watchingWHATTHEFUCKITSNOTTHERE??!!
The bridge had most recently been used by local businesses as alternate transportation for heavy cargo. There is another bridge nearby, presumably not stolen or taken apart in any way, that was being used as well. So it’s completely understandable that this theft went undetected; after all, gigantic metal bridges are a dime a dozen these days.
So how much is your beautiful house worth? 200K? 300? Nothing at all because you’re a dummy who rents and doesn’t collect value on anything?
Doesn’t matter, because one man has you beat. An anonymous buyer plunked down $160,000 for a tiny slice of heaven called Rat Island, off the coast of New York City. This island, by the way, is maybe two acres long, less so during high tide. And it’s made entirely of jagged rocks. Oh, and it used to hold typhoid patients who were held in quarantine, away from civilized, disease-free members of society. Feel the urge for a romantic getaway yet?
You couldn’t even make a coconut radio here; talk about primitive.
The real estate agent in charge of the island’s auction says he has no idea who the buyer is, or what the have in store for their new-found paradise. More than likely, it’s one of two things: a new mega-ultra-super-dee-duper Walmart, or the evil lair of a supervillian determined to give everybody extra-strength typhoid so they may be quarantined and turned into his army of disease-ridden zombie slaves. Either way, you heard it here first.