And now something new on Cracked! For six years, I worked in the convenience store industry, and saw some things. Horrible, awful, atrocious things. So I wrote a bunch of jokes about them, even managing to sneak in some pictures of me me me. Because Soren’s had a monopoly on Cracked Columnists With Purty Hair for too damn long; time to challenge his ass.
READ ARTICLE HERE
I also forgot to shill the third installment of my Fantasy Football Loser diary; I suck! In this one, I really bit it, and am all but out of playoff contention in at least one league. I thin my Patriots should go ahead and win the Super Bowl by a hundred points, simply to make me feel better.
READ ARTICLE HERE
And one more from Listverse! This one explains the origins of a bunch of pop-culture tropes (such as the Dumb Blonde pictured) that every lazy hack writer inevitably falls back on when deadline looms. Not that I would know anything about that.
READ ARTICLE HERE
Another recent Listverse piece (I’ve been very lazy about shameless shilling as of late); this one’s all about awesome stars far more interesting than our own. I visited them all myself to confirm. They were awesome.
READ ARTICLE HERE
I’m back to writing for Listverse, a site more devoted to facts than punchlines, though the new editors are cool with a few jokes here and there, something I shall always approve. Here’s one all about deadly lakes, rivers, and any other body of water made of 99 44/100 pure psychopath. Happy swimming!
Awhile back, Tori Amos released a concept album where she took a dozen songs originally done by men, and retold them from a “woman’s perspective.” As it turns out, that was shorthand for “I like these songs and want to sing them.” Not one word was changed, and there were no new perspectives. That’s not a concept album; that’s a cover album.
It’s also proof that, even among musical geniuses, the whole “concept album” thing is near-impossible to get right. And yet they keep trying, because they’re rockstars and nobody wants to tell them they’re wrong. Unless their goal is to give me enough material for a sequel, then they should really move on to something else.
This is Ellie from The Last Of Us. She doesn’t shut up. In a game where every little sound triggers a tribe of flesh-eating monsters, which certainly makes sense. What makes less sense is that they can’t hear her, or anyone really. Except your dumbass character, naturally.
Anytime a video game attempts real-world ideas such as this, it quickly eats itself, because reality is shockingly not geared toward linear storylines being told in a coherent fashion. I relentlessly mock a few of the worst offenders in my latest Cracked Column. Enjoy, or fail at life.
A shockingly low amount of people take part in bug-eating challenges. Doing so proves you’re original, you’re a trendsetter, and that you love yecching out everyone around you.
What other eating challenges secretly say things about your personality? Find out as I put my expensive psychology degree to good use in my latest Tailgate Fan piece. After all, you wouldn’t want to shovel shit down your throat if it wasn’t truly YOU.
Could an eating challenge be looked at as torture? These crazy feats of eating sure could.
These are ghost chilies. A woman ate 51 of them, rubbed a bunch of them in her eyes, and then got mad because she can usually eat 60+. For her, that’s impressive. For anyone else, it’d be cruel and unusual punishment. “For your crimes against humanity, you must eat one of the hottest peppers on earth and then rub a bunch of them on your eyeballs!”
That’s not the only eating challenge that would qualify as pure torture. I found a bunch more and yakked about them over at Tailgate Fan. Luckily for you, reading my words is not a form of torture. At least, I hope it’s not.
So this guy’s a thief, a hack, and a disgrace to writing. Anyone who wishes to reblog this, tell this loser off, and boycott his shitty website (Whatculture), until they start coming up with their own ideas, be my guest.
This is Shaun Munro, acclaimed author of 10 Actresses Who Desperately Need To Go Nude:
As proudly stated in his Twitter bio, Shaun is the Associate Editor of WhatCulture.com and a Tomatometer critic at Rotten Tomatoes. This is an article by Shaun Munro, posted at WhatCulture on July 1:
And this is an article under the same premise pitched by two members of the Cracked Comedy Workshop exactly one week earlier:
Shaun’s article has six entries in common with the Cracked pitch… but, y’know, so what? Websites steal full articles from Cracked.com all the time. There are entire Wordpress sites with dozens of subscribers that do nothing but repost Cracked lists as soon as they’re posted. Well, the difference here is that the articles Shaun is shamelessly copying haven’t been posted — he’s going into the Cracked Workshop (which is for registered members only) and swiping articles before they get a chance to go up on the site, making the original writer look like the plagiarist and thus putting their livelihood at risk. This has been called to Shaun’s attention, and he’s still doing it.
If caring for your pet is the lowlight of your day, the good people at Heartless Money-Sucking Corporations, Inc., have the products for you.
Have you ever bought the Pootrap (literally a bag for your dog to shit in while walking around)? If so, kindly give your dog up to the nearest loving family who will actually pay attention to the dog and not stick a fucking bag over its butt.
There are a shocking amount of pet products designed to not only humiliate your pet, but to remind them that you don’t actually care about them and consider them a burden. I call them out on Cracked, because it was the right thing to do.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to strap a bag to my cat’s ass, just to see if I survive.
Well hi Shel Silverstein! I hear you wrote a sequel to your hit song “Boy Named Sue.” And Sue’s gay in this one? And his Dad sleeps with him? Get help, Shel Siverstein.
Still, I can’t complain TOO much, since that oddball song prompted my latest Cracked Column, all about sequels to hit songs that ruined the original, simply by existing. Although if you’re one of the guys from Deliverance, you probably think Silverstein’s sequel was an improvement on his original. To each their own, I guess.
READ IT HERE
This is James Van Praagh, one of those cold-reading psychics who will ask you things like “did your dead mother ever have trouble breathing?” and then pretend to communicate with said dead mom in order to let you know they’re happy being dead, like everyone else. He tried this shtick on unedited TV and got exposed to the world.
I wrote about him, along with a bunch of other blatant soothsaying frauds, in an ever-so-lovely Cracked article, co-written with the ever-so-Canadian Mark Hill. It’s the final Article I wrote before getting the Columnist promotion, so from here on out it should be all me me me me me. Just like Jesus intended.