If caring for your pet is the lowlight of your day, the good people at Heartless Money-Sucking Corporations, Inc., have the products for you.
Have you ever bought the Pootrap (literally a bag for your dog to shit in while walking around)? If so, kindly give your dog up to the nearest loving family who will actually pay attention to the dog and not stick a fucking bag over its butt.
There are a shocking amount of pet products designed to not only humiliate your pet, but to remind them that you don’t actually care about them and consider them a burden. I call them out on Cracked, because it was the right thing to do.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to strap a bag to my cat’s ass, just to see if I survive.
Well hi Shel Silverstein! I hear you wrote a sequel to your hit song “Boy Named Sue.” And Sue’s gay in this one? And his Dad sleeps with him? Get help, Shel Siverstein.
Still, I can’t complain TOO much, since that oddball song prompted my latest Cracked Column, all about sequels to hit songs that ruined the original, simply by existing. Although if you’re one of the guys from Deliverance, you probably think Silverstein’s sequel was an improvement on his original. To each their own, I guess.
READ IT HERE
This is James Van Praagh, one of those cold-reading psychics who will ask you things like “did your dead mother ever have trouble breathing?” and then pretend to communicate with said dead mom in order to let you know they’re happy being dead, like everyone else. He tried this shtick on unedited TV and got exposed to the world.
I wrote about him, along with a bunch of other blatant soothsaying frauds, in an ever-so-lovely Cracked article, co-written with the ever-so-Canadian Mark Hill. It’s the final Article I wrote before getting the Columnist promotion, so from here on out it should be all me me me me me. Just like Jesus intended.
It’s fantasy football season. Here’s how to throw a draft party in the Internet Age.
And today, I grace Tailgate Fan with my yamblings! Wanna throw a fantasy football party, but can’t because your entire league is online? Luckily, I have a few incredibly serious solutions that every last one of you should try at least once. Would I lie?
READ IT HERE
The bands I grew up listening to would never do any of this Disney Channel bullshit, right? (Hint: Wrong.)
My newest from Cracked, but this time it’s different. I’ve been promoted to Cracked Columnist, which means it’s my voice, and not just the Cracked Voice. I’m trusted to be funny on my own, for an audience of hundreds of thousands, possibly millions.
And I take advantage of this by pointing out how cool-ass “real” rock stars, the ones that define balls and artistic expressiona nd all that jazz, actually do the exact same shit that all those youngun’s did on MTV recently. Does that mean that Ozzy will be twerking in a week? God, we can only hope so.
READ IT HERE
Instead of adding to the endless sea of Call Of Duty clones that we get every other week, maybe some more interesting ideas could get another chance to thrive. Such as …
So Christopher Columbus had a game where he battled prehistoric creatures and sea monsters. And it got cancelled because original ideas are for weenies. This game, plus a bunch of others, deserve an actual run on the shelves, so sayeth me.
ARTICLE, VIA TOPLESS ROBOT
One of the great things about the Internet is how everybody gets a voice. It’s also one of the worst things about the Internet, especially when the voice is loud and obnoxious and, worst of all, misleading.
I got me a new article, which is kinda rare these days. So much of what i do now is behind-the-scenes and/or unpublished: TopTenz editing, Cracked editing, In-House writing for Distractify, The Geekout disappearing without publishing my last article there, a buncha Man Cave Daily stuff scheduled for later this summer, me auditioning for this cool job and that one, and so on and so forth.
But now here we are, with a new article, on a new website! Via Oh, Pish Posh (yep, that’s their name), here’s a piece about stuff the Internet loves to bits, but Real Life people pretty much ignores.
And no, George Bush is not one of them. That’s just the picture Tumblr chose. Troll Tumblr.
Tons of cartoons are ripe for an Invasion Of The Bodyslammers. All Vince needs is a semi-plausible angle to explain why they’re there.
So the WWE is doing a crossover movie with The Flintstones, as an alternative to making their wrestling show more interesting. Well, if this is what they wanna do, they might as well go all out and cross over with everything. I offer eight possibilities to get the nightmare ball rolling.
Despite it’s endless humor and characters galore, nobody ever made a Freakazoid game. Why, because they were afraid they’d just mess it up and gamers everywhere would be depressed? That never stopped them before!
Actually, there are a lot of franchises that shockingly never got the “puke-inducing videogame” treatment. I covered a bunch of crap from the ’80s before, and now it’s the ’90s turn. Whether I cover every decade from the 20th century or not is all dependent on how willing Topless Robot is to not shoot me in the face for milking this idea.
“Let’s face it; baseball isn’t the first sport you think of when planning your next tailgating adventure. How can anyone get worked up over a 162-game season for which everybody’s so damn laid back? A bunch of guys standing on a freshly mowed lawn, successfully hitting a ball with a stick 30% of the time if they’re good at it, does not exactly inspire one to fire up the grill and excitedly holler at nothing in particular.
Until now, that is! We sat down and racked our collective hive mind for well over 10 minutes, and have devised five foolproof ways to make baseball more tailgate-friendly.”