See this guy? He sucks. And we know this because at least 284759283058204829 people have told us that he sucks. We get it; find something else to riff on. This guy, plus nine other examples of cliche overload, get torn to shreds in my latest TopTenz article. Every late-night talk show writer needs to read this article five times a day, justso they remember exactly why they should cut that brilliant Justin Bieber-looks-like-a-girl joke they just typed up.
…more or less. But as of today, I’m officially a part of two new sites, in addition to my other stomping grounds. I sold my first article to The Geekout, a startup dork-culture humor site, and got paid thousands, just THOUSANDS, of pennies for my efforts.
In addition, I signed paperwork to join Zug today, specializing in what I call “Parental Advisory.” Basically, they liked a pitch of mine I made during our Skype call, and then heard my kid playing in the background. They put two and two together, and suggested that I focus my writing on various awful kid’s shows/music/movies/etc. In short, I’ll be torturing myself by putting up with this crap (listening to a string of Kidz Bop albums, watching all the Air Buddy movies in a row, etc.), and then documenting the results. It’ll be grand.
And of course they pay me, so I won’t have to dip into my savings when the inevitable therapy sessions begin.
So You Wanna Leave The Country In Protest
If you ever think of telling your country to go screw because of an election result…
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Well hey, I log onto Tumblr to whore out my two (yes, TWO) new articles that Man Cave Daily just published, only to find that the new Wordpress feature automatically puts them there. And then I see it did the same thing on Facebook. Noice; now go click, read, and share with the masses. Jokes about goofy Presidential wannabes, and then jokes about goofy frat-boy movies. Sounds like a good way to spend your Friday, no?
4 Things That Animal House Got Right (That All Other Fratboy Movies Get Wrong) by @genericwhiteboy
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6 Fringe Presidential Candidates (And Why They’re Hurting In The Polls) by @genericwhiteboy
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To round out my trifecta of sites publishing my material for my dozens and dozens of fans to enjoy, here’s my latest from Man Cave Daily. For the first time in a good while, I deviate from the numbered list format and focus entirely on deducing whether Train’s stupid lyrics are the sign of an insane, disturbed man, or a mad genius who’s actually playing us all.
So this is one of those weeks where, if you like my writing, you’re gonna be positively orgasmic. New TopTenz yesterday, new Man Cave Daily on Monday, and today? New Cracked! I don’t get to whore for them nearly as often as maybe I’d want to, so let’s all savor this moment while we can.
And it’s about wrestling, as the giant picture of Hogan might have given away. Sometimes, fake pro wrestling can get very, very real. And when it does? It can be very, very funny. Especially when the matchup is a 300-pound World Champion versus a 100-pound talk show host, who was the very definition of “pencil-neck geek”.
Anytime I get paid to write jokes about pro wrestling (this is probably the fourth or fifth time so far, but the first for Cracked), I consider it an extra reward, for all those years I paid my dues at TheDDT, honing my skills and weeding out many bad writing habits, all while getting my articles immediately buried by people who definitely aren’t writing all over the place now (Hi The Fiend and Management, if you’re reading!)
So click, read, and spread it all around. Just because it’s pro wrestling, doesn’t mean you automatically won’t get it. Oily muscleheads doing ridiculous shit is something we can ALL laugh at.
The Insane Clown Posse is suing the FBI for classifying “Juggalo” as a gang. Too bad nobody thought to sue the ICP for classifying themselves as a band.
But my latest TopTenz article isn’t about lawsuits, but rather how dumbass feuds like this would be better solved in a gore-licious fight to the death. Who wins? We all do. Except for the famous person who dies. They very much lose.
Appear on a video game cover, endorse a soft drink, be President at the wrong time, and you are cursed to suffer and die. or not. It might be silly people thinking silly things again. People do that a lot, they’re so silly.
Let’s explore that silliness in my latest Man Cave Daily piece, all about those goofy pop-culture curses invented to explain why kinda-sorta coincidental things happen to a bunch of people related only by profession.
Philip Grimmer is 60 years old, looks 60 years old, and thinks he is a successful Kylie Minogue impersonator. God bless him and the other delusional, certifiably insane celebrity impostors out there, for without them I’d…probably just find something else to write about. Huh.
But, since they DO exist, I penned jokes about them. Enjoy, and please don’t whack your head against your desk in utter disbelief. Well, not too hard anyways. Concussions are bad.
So it’s pretty rare that I write something and have a whole section cut out, but it happened with my newest Man Cave Daily article. Not because it sucked or anything, but it was chock-full of jokes centered around a mass shooting committed by an angry, and massively disgruntled, adult Charlie Brown. A quick glance at the news shows that mass shootings are, well, quite prevalent lately. And, so it doesn’t come across like the site is exploiting horrible, depressing news for laughs, the section was cut. This is perfectly understandable, and I support the decision.
But that doesn’t mean those 300 words should just go to waste. I mean, I have this Tumblr; might as well use it. So here it is, a Tumblr exclusive: the deleted Charlie Brown entry from my latest article on story songs that should be turned into comic books:
Some might say this Coasters song isn’t actually about the Peanuts character, but those people just aren’t thinking ahead far enough. He’s a morbidly depressed eight-year-old who nobody really likes, right? So it makes perfect sense for ol’ Chuck to grow up and become a teenage delinquent, doing dirty and disrespectful things like smoking in the auditorium, throwing spitballs, and calling his teacher Daddy-O (it’s the 50’s, remember). And, through it all, he continues to be ignored and mocked.
“Who’s a clown NOW?”
So a Charlie Brown graphic novel could pick up at Stage 3 of perhaps the most depressing childhood ever played up for laughs: the gun-toting, homicidal maniac stage. He walks in the classroom, cool and slow, and EVERYBODY GONNA DIE. And because all the teachers are literally marble-mouthed, they’re unable to call 911 to communicate what’s happening and get help sent out, so the massacre continues unabated.
Lucy, in particular, is made to suffer, forced at gunpoint to hold the football while Brown kicks it over and over and over again. If she pulls it away from him even once, she gets shot full of holes. Several thousand kicks later, he finally feels like he’s made up for lost time. Then he shoots her anyway. Psychological torture that ends in survival and freedom is no fun at all for the typical homicidal maniac.
Never call the bluff of a man with a gun.
Who can stop him? Well, that depends. That Red Baron was an hallucination, right? Snoopy didn’t ACTUALLY fly that doghouse around and shoot down enemy aircraft, correct? Well, if it was real, then he could stop this madness, especially since Chuck definitely forgot to fill his food dish before leaving to go murder everybody. Dogs are great, but they don’t forgive lack of chow so easily.
If it was all doggie imagination, then who knows? Maybe someone can pelt Chuck with a bunch of baseballs. That always seemed to finish him off.
This is Mylo Xyloto, a new comic book series centered around the main character of a Coldplay song. Don’t worry about the plot, it’s more vague and nonsensical than the plot of the Ultimate Warrior comics from the mid 90’s. Just focus on my attempts to update much older story-driven songs, and how they too should get comic books that flesh out their often-meager plotline. Man Cave Daily paid me to come up with all this. They’re so sweet.
Baby Jack-Jack grows up and becomes an angsty teen supervillain in The Incredibles 2, or at least he would be if Pixar let me write all their sequels going forward. So, to impress somebody over there, I wrote a whole article doing just that, for all ten of their franchises. I can already hear the job offers.
On another note, this is my 50th freelance article. Two years ago, I realized you could make money writing jokes on the Internet and, through a combination of Cracked, TopTenz, Gunaxin, TheSmokingJacket, ManCaveDaily, and WeirdWorm, I have been able to do so 50 times over. Thanks to all who have read, liked, shared, and whatever-elsed my articles, proving to me that there actually IS an audience for whatever it is I do. Very happy about this milestone, and hopefully I’ll make it to 100 articles in less than two years this time.
This is David Hasselhoff. He is currently getting paid to endorse convenience store iced coffee. How the mighty have plummeted. Jokes about his washed-up ass, as well as four other pathetic celebrities who should just give up the fame and work at Wal-Mart, in my debut article for Man Cave Daily. Read, like, share, seduce, donate to the Give Jason Enough Money So He Can Do This Full-Time Fund. You have your mission.