A lot of those silly Flash games that pervade the Internet are designed to teach something to children. That something is usually damn-near-nothing, by the way. As a parent/professional sufferer, I felt compelled to sit down for a day and play through a bunch of these games, to see if they could teach me anything beyond “You’re a moron.” Turns out, not really. In fact, i’m probably more of a moron now than before. THANKS GAMES.
My Kiddie Game article, Via Zug, Part I
Remember this? Back in the Dark Ages, you couldn’t use your phone and be online at the same time, because times were tough and we LIKED IT. Well, tons of people still live in those Dark Ages, using dial-up along with several other old-timey pieces of technology that you thought had been outlawed by the government at least ten years ago. Remember ten years ago? Ah, those were the days.
Even though satire on the Internet tends to go nowhere (too much thinking and not enough cats is the usual feedback,) I do it anyway. This is me “defending” the Olympic’s decision to remove wrestling from the 2020 lineup, cuz someone needs to stand up for the poor, misunderstood underdogs that make up the International Olympic Committee.
Remember newspapers? They still exist, and so do the funnies inside. Not that they’re “funny” or anything, but they certainly do exist. And a few of them are taking chances, not by experimenting with new humor or radical approaches to art. No, they’re choosing to just gross us out with jokes about scat, incest, and bestiality.
Soon, they all will be naked. Every single one. Even the animals (they will shave.) They still won’t be funny, but at least this comatose medium will finally go out with a bang. Literally.
Most unsexy and creepy-looking lingerie is reserved for the catwalk, because models need to silently regret every decision they’ve ever made in their own special way.
But sometimes, companies get cute and release some truly eyeball-rolling bedroom wear. They then expect you to pay for them. Such as above! Because nothing screams sexy like having every last body part obscured so you look like a creepy mannequin. Also, you can buy ‘em in kid’s sizes too; that way the whole family can get involved, at least until the police show up.
If only this were a real kick; then maybe we wouldn’t have to put up with hordes of morons doing that so-tired-its-comatose Hold Up The Tower gag on their Italian excursion. In lieu of such destruction, I wrote up a piece for Urban Titan taking unoriginal tourists to task, highlighting alternatives, and suggesting a few of my own. If you take any of my suggestions, remember to credit me by carving my name onto the landmark in question. The guards won’t mind.
This isn’t performance art; this is actually what way too many pet owners find adorable. Meanwhile, these poor pooches just wish they were bigger and more capable of tearing a human limb from limb. So do I, actually.
There are a bunch of other ways pet owners humiliate their pet to the brink of despair. And I wrote about ‘em, in my debut for Listverse. Read it, study it, never buy anything mentioned in it. You pet will thank you by not killing you.
So I have made my grand debut at yet another new site: only 234,912,463,409,146 to go before I’m literally everywhere on the Internet!
This time, it’s Tailgate Fan, all about sports and the Gating Of The Tails. Consider it a cautionary tale, as your Super Bowl get-together is nigh. Make sure you invite the right people, and not the yo-yo’s I’m writing about.
That’s probably more than, like, everyone else, right? Pretty sure I’m leaving everyone else in the dust.
Lara Croft gained the ability to wield the legendary Excalibur and, after that, the Hammer Of Thor. So what ever became of Royal Goddess Lara? Absolutely nothing, because who would possibly be interested in THAT kinda development?
Videogames are good at that, teasing you with an awesome plot twist and then pretending it never happened. So much so that I wrote a whole article about it. And Topless Robot, my newest market, published it. And you read it. And you loved it. And you sent me money and nudes.
Today’s shameless self-plug: Cracked! Here’s my newest piece for them, all about pop’s most awkward attempts to sing about fancy-schmancy Interwebby technology, despite knowing little more about it than how to send their assistant out to buy it for them.
You’re looking at 26 different varieties of soup. Now imagine them all mixed together in one giganto Ultimate Super Bowl Of Soup concoction. Now read my Zug article about eating said concoction and find out if I’m truly as stupid as you imagine me to be.
ARTICLE PART 1
ARTICLE PART 2
ARTICLE PART 3
A Playboy video game? AWESO…they’re all in bikinis. Well, that was useless.
In my latest Man Cave Daily Article, I explore this and four other shitty video game licenses. But along with the snark is friendly, helpful advice, as I reboot the concepts and show paid professionals in the video game industry how to REALLY take advantage of a license.
Note: I don’t suggest making the Playboy models naked. I’m not stupid, and I know that would never happen. But my actual idea may or may not involve putting the game’s main character in constant mortal danger. Actually, it definitely does.