Original Publishing Date: January 25, 2012

Written for Gunaxin.  Yes, there IS a Democrat running for President besides Obama!  A psychotic, intensely pro-life, anti-gay, ridiculously conservative Democrat, but still a Democrat!  His goal was to air a commercial featuring aborted fetuses during the Super Bowl, which ended up not happening.  He had ONE campaign promise and he broke it.  The perfect politician!

Original Publishing Date: January 9, 2012

Written for Gunaxin as an attempt at writing more quickie, topical pieces at a faster pace.  I’ve since put it on hold due to a similar thing being concocted at Cracked, but the focus there seems to be changing to the point where I can probably start doing these things again.  Commence wetting yourself in anticipation.

How long has it been since I updated this thing?  Too fuck long.  Same with my twitter, really.  I’m an awful social networking guy-type-thing.  But I’ve actually been writing, serious!  I keep forgetting to link the damned things, which is awful when the thing I write is topical.  Time to correct that in one fell swoop, like one of those mob movies where everybody gets whacked in one two-minute montage.

Newest from me, all about quotes and jokes and songs and such wrongly credited to the wrong people.  On a related note, if anybody tries to forward this to their friends by saying LOL MADDOX ROTE DIS HES SO FUNNY N ITS SO TRU…I’ll cutcha.

Newest from TopTenz, and obviously written by me because I’m a filthy selfish man-whore who only pimps his own stuff.  I like that about me.

And let me know if you actually like Jada Smith doing Limp Bizkit music, so that I may smack you.

My newest from TheSmokingJacket, and my first article for their Don’t Hate series. I couldn’t care less about Tim Tebow’s religion, but you can’t knock his recent success on the field, however he’s attained it.  And if the Broncos win the Super Bowl because of this guy, I will look like a god-damn soothsayer.

Why 23?  Because by the 24th, my brain was beginning to bubble and boil.  That’s usually a sign to stop torturing myself.

Today’s moral, Via TheSmokingJacket: if you can’t write, don’t re-write.   Just sit there and be pretty.  If you’re like the guy in the picture though, you can’t even do that, so go fry some fries or whatever else needs to be fried.

http://news.blogs.cnn.com/2011/10/07/thieves-dismantle-cart-off-steel-bridge-in-pennsylvania/

In case you needed any more evidence that we, as a nation, have no attention span whatsoever, a band of thieves in Pennsylvania have successfully made off with an entire goddamn bridge.  Over the course of one week, they dismantled an entire metal bridge using only a blowtorch.  All without being seen by anybody.  This was in Pittsburgh, by the way, so they can’t even make the excuse of being distracted by the Phillies playoff run.  They have the Pirates, who haven’t done anything in decades and are one or two more losing seasons away from being demoted to Little League status.

Meh, another hundred losses.  Might as well go bridge-watchingWHATTHEFUCKITSNOTTHERE??!!

The bridge had most recently been used by local businesses as alternate transportation for heavy cargo.  There is another bridge nearby, presumably not stolen or taken apart in any way, that was being used as well.  So it’s completely understandable that this theft went undetected; after all, gigantic metal bridges are a dime a dozen these days.

My newest from TopTenz.  Read, or you’re in violation of Rule 92(x), Section 21s, Row 12, Column 86, Line 103.  I’ll send the cops if I must.  

http://news.yahoo.com/nycs-rat-island-2-acres-rock-sells-160k-011308791.html

So how much is your beautiful house worth?  200K?  300?  Nothing at all because you’re a dummy who rents and doesn’t collect value on anything?

Doesn’t matter, because one man has you beat.  An anonymous buyer plunked down $160,000 for a tiny slice of heaven called Rat Island,  off the coast of New York City.  This island, by the way, is maybe two acres long, less so during high tide.  And it’s made entirely of jagged rocks.  Oh, and it used to hold typhoid patients who were held in quarantine, away from civilized, disease-free members of society.  Feel the urge for a romantic getaway yet?

You couldn’t even make a coconut radio here; talk about primitive.

The real estate agent in charge of the island’s auction says he has no idea who the buyer is, or what the have in store for their new-found paradise.  More than likely, it’s one of two things: a new mega-ultra-super-dee-duper Walmart, or the evil lair of a supervillian determined to give everybody extra-strength typhoid so they may be quarantined and turned into his army of disease-ridden zombie slaves.  Either way, you heard it here first.

http://news.yahoo.com/end-chinas-600-old-dog-eating-carnival-125200105.html

Just in case it was on your to-do list for your next vacation to China, the communist nation has decided to end a 600-year-old tradition of eating dogs at a Jinhua City annual festival.  Several reasons have been cited, from animal cruelty (the dogs are tortured and strangled before being killed and eaten) to increasing Western influence on Eastern culture, to today’s kids just being too lazy to take the time to properly season their dog so the flavor just jumps out at you.

Too much salt will just RUIN the recipe.

Many elderly villagers say they are not happy the tradition is ending, as it is something that has been passed on through literally dozens of generations.  It’s a valid point, but all that’s needed is one visit from Sarah McLachlan for them to disavow pup-peroni forever and embrace burgers like everybody else.

You cried.  Fuck you, yes you did.

Sick of blaming your parents or the local satanic metal band whenever you make a mistake?  Then blame a politician!  That’s what three Italian tourists did when caught picking up three prostitutes in Croatia.  When questioned by police, they claimed to be inspired by Italy’s womanizing Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi.  Berlusconi, for those of you whose knowledge of Italy begins with spaghetti and ends with Super Mario, is an old, short, fat, bald man who has tons and tons of sex, enough to make up for about a hundred thousand other old short, fat, bald men who never get any.

Hubba hubba?

Imagine if Bill Clinton had sex with tons of Monica Lewinskis, sometimes up to eight a night, and didn’t deny it, but rather boasted about it.  Time and again.  Oh, and the Monicas all had sex for money.  That’s Berlusconi in a nutshell and, let’s face it, if you’re going to blame anybody for your hooker-seeking ways, you could do far worse.  

The kicker here is that Berlusconi would likely condemn the men, not or any ethical reason, but because they only went after three girls, and never actually got laid.  Amateurs.

http://www.livescience.com/16146-sex-starved-bisexual-squid.html

Recently, scientists have discovered a deep-sea squid called the Octopoteuthis deletron (O Dell if you’re nasty) with a peculiar, yet effective, mating habit.  Because their living quarters are so dark, because meeting fellow O Dell’s is so rare, and because not even they can figure out who among them has a cock and who doesn’t, they basically screw any O Dell that comes along, regardless of gender.  Male, female, it honestly doesn’t matter.

Stare into those baby blues and try to deny that quivering in your loins.

This actually makes sense.  If the only goal you have is to keep your DNA going a little while longer, why not do the sexual equivalent of throwing shit at the wall to see what sticks?   If the ensuing affair produces a baby, then great job everyone, species survives another generation.  If not, then at least you got laid, broski.

By the by: that idea only works if you are a deep-sea creature who only comes into contact with fellow deep-sea creatures once every few years or so.  Us humans, would likely go to jail if we tried that.  For us, it’s better to stick to traditional courting methods, such as bars and pretending to be good-looking on Facebook.

New shtuff from TheSmokingJacket, courtesy of my messed-up widdle head.  Feel free to reblog to everybody in the universe in the hopes that one of them will make a real Bugs Bunny game for once.