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Cracked Columnist/Freelance Editor. TopTenz Senior Editor. Distractify In-House Writer. Man Cave Daily Columnist. Topless Robot and Tailgate Fan freelance writer. Ginger. Shitty dancer. That's all me, baby.
All my writings are documented here for posterity. Unless they suck. Then we forget they ever happened.
So it’s pretty rare that I write something and have a whole section cut out, but it happened with my newest Man Cave Daily article. Not because it sucked or anything, but it was chock-full of jokes centered around a mass shooting committed by an angry, and massively disgruntled, adult Charlie Brown. A quick glance at the news shows that mass shootings are, well, quite prevalent lately. And, so it doesn’t come across like the site is exploiting horrible, depressing news for laughs, the section was cut. This is perfectly understandable, and I support the decision.
But that doesn’t mean those 300 words should just go to waste. I mean, I have this Tumblr; might as well use it. So here it is, a Tumblr exclusive: the deleted Charlie Brown entry from my latest article on story songs that should be turned into comic books:
Some might say this Coasters song isn’t actually about the Peanuts character, but those people just aren’t thinking ahead far enough. He’s a morbidly depressed eight-year-old who nobody really likes, right? So it makes perfect sense for ol’ Chuck to grow up and become a teenage delinquent, doing dirty and disrespectful things like smoking in the auditorium, throwing spitballs, and calling his teacher Daddy-O (it’s the 50’s, remember). And, through it all, he continues to be ignored and mocked.
"Who’s a clown NOW?"
So a Charlie Brown graphic novel could pick up at Stage 3 of perhaps the most depressing childhood ever played up for laughs: the gun-toting, homicidal maniac stage. He walks in the classroom, cool and slow, and EVERYBODY GONNA DIE. And because all the teachers are literally marble-mouthed, they’re unable to call 911 to communicate what’s happening and get help sent out, so the massacre continues unabated.
Lucy, in particular, is made to suffer, forced at gunpoint to hold the football while Brown kicks it over and over and over again. If she pulls it away from him even once, she gets shot full of holes. Several thousand kicks later, he finally feels like he’s made up for lost time. Then he shoots her anyway. Psychological torture that ends in survival and freedom is no fun at all for the typical homicidal maniac.
Never call the bluff of a man with a gun.
Who can stop him? Well, that depends. That Red Baron was an hallucination, right? Snoopy didn’t ACTUALLY fly that doghouse around and shoot down enemy aircraft, correct? Well, if it was real, then he could stop this madness, especially since Chuck definitely forgot to fill his food dish before leaving to go murder everybody. Dogs are great, but they don’t forgive lack of chow so easily.
If it was all doggie imagination, then who knows? Maybe someone can pelt Chuck with a bunch of baseballs. That always seemed to finish him off.