November192012
November132012
November122012

I am on all websites now

…more or less. But as of today, I’m officially a part of two new sites, in addition to my other stomping grounds. I sold my first article to The Geekout, a startup dork-culture humor site, and got paid thousands, just THOUSANDS, of pennies for my efforts.

In addition, I signed paperwork to join Zug today, specializing in what I call “Parental Advisory.” Basically, they liked a pitch of mine I made during our Skype call, and then heard my kid playing in the background. They put two and two together, and suggested that I focus my writing on various awful kid’s shows/music/movies/etc. In short, I’ll be torturing myself by putting up with this crap (listening to a string of Kidz Bop albums, watching all the Air Buddy movies in a row, etc.), and then documenting the results. It’ll be grand.

And of course they pay me, so I won’t have to dip into my savings when the inevitable therapy sessions begin.

November52012
So You Wanna Leave The Country In ProtestJason Iannone
If you ever think of telling your country to go screw because of an election result…View Postshared via WordPress.com

So You Wanna Leave The Country In Protest

Jason Iannone

If you ever think of telling your country to go screw because of an election result…

View Post

shared via WordPress.com

November22012

Tumblr does all the work for me. That’s so sweet.

Well hey, I log onto Tumblr to whore out my two (yes, TWO) new articles that Man Cave Daily just published, only to find that the new Wordpress feature automatically puts them there. And then I see it did the same thing on Facebook. Noice; now go click, read, and share with the masses. Jokes about goofy Presidential wannabes, and  then jokes about goofy frat-boy movies. Sounds like a good way to spend your Friday, no?

12AM
4 Things That Animal House Got Right (That All Other Fratboy Movies Get Wrong) by @genericwhiteboyView Postshared via WordPress.com

4 Things That Animal House Got Right (That All Other Fratboy Movies Get Wrong) by @genericwhiteboy

View Post

shared via WordPress.com

12AM
6 Fringe Presidential Candidates (And Why They’re Hurting In The Polls) by @genericwhiteboyView Postshared via WordPress.com

6 Fringe Presidential Candidates (And Why They’re Hurting In The Polls) by @genericwhiteboy

View Post

shared via WordPress.com

October82012
October42012
October32012
September182012
September62012
August292012

Five Characters From Songs That Deserve Their Own Comic Books: DA OUTTAKE

So it’s pretty rare that I write something and have a whole section cut out, but it happened with my newest Man Cave Daily article.  Not because it sucked or anything, but it was chock-full of jokes centered around a mass shooting committed by an angry, and massively disgruntled, adult Charlie Brown.  A quick glance at the news shows that mass shootings are, well, quite prevalent lately.  And, so it doesn’t come across like the site is exploiting horrible, depressing news for laughs, the section was cut.  This is perfectly understandable, and I support the decision.

But that doesn’t mean those 300 words should just go to waste.  I mean, I have this Tumblr; might as well use it.  So here it is, a Tumblr exclusive: the deleted Charlie Brown entry from my latest article on story songs that should be turned into comic books:

———————————————————————————————————

Charlie Brown

Some might say this Coasters song isn’t actually about the Peanuts character, but those people just aren’t thinking ahead far enough.  He’s a morbidly depressed eight-year-old who nobody really likes, right?  So it makes perfect sense for ol’ Chuck to grow up and become a teenage delinquent, doing dirty and disrespectful things like smoking in the auditorium, throwing spitballs, and calling his teacher Daddy-O (it’s the 50’s, remember).  And, through it all, he continues to be ignored and mocked.

"Who’s a clown NOW?"

So a Charlie Brown graphic novel could pick up at Stage 3 of perhaps the most depressing childhood ever played up for laughs: the gun-toting, homicidal maniac stage.  He walks in the classroom, cool and slow, and EVERYBODY GONNA DIE.  And because all the teachers are literally marble-mouthed, they’re unable to call 911 to communicate what’s happening and get help sent out, so the massacre continues unabated. 

Lucy, in particular, is made to suffer, forced at gunpoint to hold the football while Brown kicks it over and over and over again.  If she pulls it away from him even once, she gets shot full of holes.  Several thousand kicks later, he finally feels like he’s made up for lost time.  Then he shoots her anyway.  Psychological torture that ends in survival and freedom is no fun at all for the typical homicidal maniac.

Never call the bluff of a man with a gun.

Who can stop him?  Well, that depends.  That Red Baron was an hallucination, right?  Snoopy didn’t ACTUALLY fly that doghouse around and shoot down enemy aircraft, correct?  Well, if it was real, then he could stop this madness, especially since Chuck definitely forgot to fill his food dish before leaving to go murder everybody.  Dogs are great, but they don’t forgive lack of chow so easily.

If it was all doggie imagination, then who knows?  Maybe someone can pelt Chuck with a bunch of baseballs.  That always seemed to finish him off.

11AM
August272012